rust is an absolute necessity in virtually all D/s play. I mean, you're talking about power exchange here, regardless of how you play it and at what intensity you play. We talk about safety, but at it's core, we must deal with trust.

 
 

There are numerous questions:

There are two distinctions here to take note of and they lie in very different domains. The first is trust, and the second is trustworthiness. Let's tackle the first one first.

Trust is a declaration. A declaration is a statement that stands on its own. The statement is an absolute. No evidence is required to validate the statement. "I trust you" lives in the same domain as "I love you" or "I believe". You grant your trust and, as such, trust cannot be taken any more than love can be. I can give you my love but I can't take or force you to love me.

Trust goes two ways in the D/s community. The submissive entrusts their power to the dominant. The dominant trusts that the submissive will accept them or honor their requests. Either party can break a trust and that brings us to the most awkward part of trust conversations and that's trustworthiness.

To say that someone is trustworthy is an assertion. An assertion is a very different statement from a declaration. An assertion is a statement for which you are prepared to offer evidence. If you say, I am trustworthy, then it is quite legitimate for someone to say "How do I know this?" As opposed to, if you say "I trust you", there's no one to ask.

If you're a dominant who is new in the D/s lifestyle, when you make an assertion of trustworthiness, you may have very little evidence to back up your claim. You can promise that you're trustworthy but without reference or previous experience to point to, you may find that some people won't accept your statement on face value. And, just like any endeavor where trust is an issue, you may find that you aren't granted the same latitude that a person with a history of trustworthiness can get.

For example, a novice dominant who tells an experienced submissive that you'll be engaging in breath play may find themselves with a very uncooperative submissive.

Now, if you're a submissive, can you trust someone who has little experience? Of course. Are they trustworthy? Who knows? So, you must use your discretion (yes, even while you're in the throws of lust) to apply a little reality check to what's going on. What exactly is planned? Will I be safe? Do you know what you're doing and if now, how will you make sure the scene works? Even as an experienced dominant, I will *always* tell a submissive if there is some type of play with which I have little or no experience. It gives them the information they require to make an informed decision about granting me the trust we require to play at all. Can you trust? You can because you "grant" that trust by saying so and then following up what you said with your actions.

Now, here's the really tough one. Can you trust someone who has broken your trust? There is now evidence that they are not trustworthy. The answer is, of course you can. You have complete power of who to grant or not grant your trust to. If you think of the word love instead of trust, the conversation is much the same. Can you love someone who has hurt you, who has betrayed your love? Of course. If they've betrayed that love continuously or in a terribly damaging way is it harder to make that declaration? You bet.

There is great power in statement "I trust you" it is a declaration that you are prepared to allow that person into your life in an intimate way; that you are prepared to lower your barriers and make yourself vulnerable to that person. But, just like so many things we talk about here, the act of giving or granting your trust to another; of saying "I trust you.", has to come with a good dose of reality check.

 

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